Back in the Saddle Again. Why I Keep Coming Back for More

Yes, it's been a while since I posted. Yes, I'm at it again. Yes, I'm tired of trying and failing. But I'm going to try AGAIN. Why? Well let me tell you a little story.

My mother and I at my high school graduation

I am the seventh of ten children. My mom stayed at home because, well, what else are you going to do with ten kids? She did the very best she could considering the circumstances.  And over forty years of child-rearing, she gained weight.  A lot of it.

She tried a bajillion different diets. I remember her going to TOPs (Take off Pounds Sensibly) and Overeaters Anonymous.  I remember seeing hypnosis audio tapes, Weight Watchers material, and a myriad of other attempts at losing weight.

I distinctly remember a point in sixth grade when I began to be embarrassed by what my mom looked like.  Yes, it's selfish, and horrible.  She was my mother. And I was twelve. Twelve-year-olds are selfish and horrible. During that time, I often recall asking myself, "Why doesn't she just...lose it? Eat less, work out more. It's not that hard."

Yeah. Said the 12 year old girl who was 98 lbs soaking wet and never had a problem with her weight until she had children of her own. Then I gained 60 lbs with my first child, and it all went downhill from there.

Soon, I found myself doing the same things my mother did...and failing. More often than not, I'd look in the mirror and see my mother. I would often wonder if my children were embarrassed of me like I was of Mom.  Except now I'm on the receiving end of the weight-loss discussion.

Me:2015

Why can't I just eat less and move more?  Well, to fully understand, a normal person would have to put another full-grown adult on their back and carry that person around during an entire workout. Then they'd understand how easily a person gets winded climbing stairs, or their back hurts after 15 minutes on the treadmill, or how something as simple as getting up from the floor becomes a chore.

Second, it ultimately comes down to time for me. I don't have any of it. I get 5 hours of sleep at night, if that.  It is difficult for me to give up even 30 minutes of that time to exercise.

Yet, here I am, trying again. Why?

Because I had a mother whom I loved dearly. She fought the good fight for decades and never managed to win. I think at some point, she just gave up, and her weight defeated her.

So each time I hit the treadmill, or drag myself out of bed, nearly in tears because I'm so stinking tired, I remember my mother. And I promise myself that I will not let my weight define me. I will not let my weight overpower me. And I will not be that mom that my children are ashamed of.  I will be the person I want to be. I will do the things I want to do.  I will not let my weight dictated what I can and cannot do.  And I will not let obesity defeat us both.

Therefore, I will try and try and try and try and TRY until I succeed.  Even if that means I have 9,999 more tries to go. I will not quit.

Current weight and Stats on today's workout.  Holding myself accountable and hoping to see progress. I will not quit.

Fitting in Time for Me...And My Husband.

I think I've piled a little bit too much on my plate again (sigh).  I go through cycles.  I put too many irons in the fire, work really hard until I basically have a break down, then step back and try to figure out which things can be taken off the plate.

It's a sickness, I know.

For the last several months, I've been up from 5:00 am till midnight every day of the week.  I have 1 day between now and the end of March, and 2 days in April, that I don't have at least one thing scheduled - above and beyond the recurring appointments already etched into my brain.

And yet, I'm trying to do more. Be more.

Well, actually, I'm trying to be LESS. As in lose weight.

I've spent a couple of months working out 2-3 times per week with my trainer, and I'm beginning to see differences in increased strength and how my clothes fit better.  But the scale isn't moving the way I'd like.

I'm not willing to give up the strength training, because I need the extra strength to handle my son with special needs.  So, with only 5 hours of sleep per night, and having the current commitment of 90 minutes with Ryan (the trainer) three times per week, I struggled with how to add more cardio without taking away from my family.

Decades ago, in high school, I used to play volleyball.  I haven't played since before my youngest was born, nearly 7 years ago.  But my husband is 6'6" and he LOVES volleyball.  Go figure.

I found out about a co-ed volleyball night through our church twice per month, and I asked him about it.  I suggested we could use it as our date night on those weeks.  The nice thing about volleyball is A) it's free.  B) It's not centered around food, which is how our date nights usually go.

Tonight was our first night.

I showed up in knee-length spandex Capris, a pair of tennis shoes, and a t-shirt over a tank top and two bras - one is like a suit of friggin' armor to keep the 'girls' from giving me a black-eye, and the other was to smooth out the bumps because my cups runneth over, if you know what I mean.  The suit of armor was $80 when I bought it. By golly I'm gonna use it till it shreds into nothingness, or the straps break.

I was a hot mess by the end of the first rotation, gasping for breath after the second, and sweating like a pig by the end of the 11-point game. Still, I persisted.

I only needed help getting up off the floor once - I certainly felt like a beached whale - but everyone was a good sport, and we were all there for fun.

My husband and I lasted 2 1/2 hours before we came home.  He swears his hip went out during a play. We both limped up the stairs, then guzzled inordinate amounts of Ibuprofen. Okay, I only had two but that's beside the point. I WISH I could've had like seven.  I am soooo going to feel this one in the morning!

But you know what? We had fun. And we'll be back at it again in two week.  I wonder if I can find more family activities this spring that will get out out of our comfort zone and off the couch. Hmm. I'll add that to my to-do list.

Until next time...

Update: 02/07/17 Working With a Trainer

Did you miss me?  I wish I could say the same.  I've been running around with my hair on fire...again.

Since my last post in November, my daughter got married, we had Christmas and New Years, I was working 50-hour work weeks, and then, I got sick.  For 3 weeks.  Sigh.

I'm so done with 2017. And it's only February!!

Luckily, out of sight didn't necessarily mean off the wagon.  I started working with a trainer on January 10th. And he's uh-maz-ing. 

Remember how, in older posts, I talked about the beginning phase of getting into shape would be absolute torture? Apparently I was wrong. No, seriously.  I was wrong.

I have met with Ryan of Phoenix Strength Systems 11 or 12 times now. Not consistently though.  I had a 3 week gap when I was sick, and then another week when I had the period from HELL.  And not a single one of our visits involved me being in any sort of pain.  Or relatively tired/winded.  The next couple of days? Well, that's another story.  But it was all good pain.  Muscles were changing, growing, and building.

In spite of the gaps between visits, I still managed to lose some inches.

New measurements:

Weight: 299.6 lbs (+.8 lbs)
Neck:  16" (- 1/4")
Bust:  49" (-1 1/4")
Upper Abs:  46 1/2" (-6 1/2")!!!
Lower Abs:  54" (same)
Hips: 55 1/2" (-1")
Thigh: 28" (same)
Bicep: 15 1/2" (- 1/2")
Calf: 17" (same)

My weight is essentially the same, but my inches are going down. Pretty cool, eh. Muscle takes up less space than fat, so the measurements tell me that I'm building some serious muscle. 

I even had someone tell me I looked skinner, and all my clothes are hanging differently (in a good way).  People don't normally notice changes in my body for at least 20-30 lbs.  And yet, they're noticing. :)

I enjoy working out this time around, which makes the discomfort of sore muscles the next day totally worth it!

Susan's Epic Weight Loss 11/04/16

Weight: 298.4  (1.8 lbs lost since yesterday)
Workout: Bodyflex

Measurements (starting):

Neck: 16 1/4"
Bust: 50 1/4"
Bicep: 16"
Upper Abs: 53"
Lower Abs: 54"
Hips: 56 1/2 "
Thigh: 28"
Calf: 17"


Breakfast:  Nothing

Lunch:  Shari's Triple Decker Club Sandwich; Side salad w/ranch on the side (no croutons): 700 calories

Dinner:  Almond Chicken (281 cal) , Sweet & Sour Chicken (276 calories), Beef & Broccoli (338 calories), Egg drop soup (66 calories):  Total calories: 861 calories   Diet Soda to drink

Total Calories:  1561


Synopsis:  Not as much energy as yesterday, but I've been up since 5 a.m. and I didn't even try to take a nap today.  Plus, I never hit the treadmill.

On another interesting note, I only ate twice today, and aside from lunch time, which was around 11:30 am (because I never had time for breakfast), I wasn't hungry at all. In fact, I didn't finish by breakfast or dinner.

Went to the movies tonight (Hacksaw Ridge is AMAZING, by the way) and didn't buy anything to eat.  I think that's the first time EVER we've never bought food at the movies.  It's always been a ritual until today.  Woohoo! It's all about change, baby!

Bleacher Laps: Feeling the Burn

I've been working out pretty hard trying to get back into shape.  I've been playing with the same 4 or 5 lbs for the last week or two, so I decided to mix things up a bit and hit the bleachers for some bleacher laps intermixed with walking around the track while my oldest son worked with his track throwing coach.

I put in 6 bleacher laps and a mile around the track before the 90 degree F weather finally caught up with me and I had to stop. I think I worked out for a good 45 minutes in the sun.

The interesting thing I noticed as I was working out was that my lungs never got to that point where I was gasping for breath.  The majority of my effort was in the legs.  They were burning and cramping something fierce.

Yes, I was doing stairs.  And yes, I stayed hydrated.  An interesting tidbit about being so severely overweight is that underneath all of that fat (at least there is for me) there's a bunch of muscle already.  You NEED that muscle to heft around all this extra weight.

For example, halfway through my bleacher laps, an athletic guy showed up and started running the bleachers.  Good for him!  He's in shape and he's putting forth an effort.  And one day I hope to be running the bleachers just like him.  The difference right now, though, is that I'm traversing the bleachers with 20 lb weights on each leg.  20 lbs of FAT covering the muscle I possess.  With each step, I must lift that extra 20 lbs.

Consider this for a moment.  How far do you think that same man (or a women) would get with a 160 lb person on their back?  Would they be able to run very far before they get winded, or body parts begin to ache?  Could they even do the bleacher laps with someone on their back? That's what it's like for me.  I'm an athletic person with 160 lbs of dead weight hanging off my body. And until I lose that weight, my muscles will constantly be burning and aching, slowly lessening as ounce by ounce, that dead weight is burned into nothingness.

So, this morning, when I began to walk down the stairs and felt my quads screaming in agony, I smiled.  Because for the first time since I began, I was feeling a GOOD pain.  Lactic acid had built up and my body was building more muscle.

I have surpassed the hardest part of the 'torture' phase of my weight loss faster than anticipated.  Now I can begin the burn & build stage:  Burn the fat and build the muscle.  Yes!!!!!

 

Week 2 Weigh In: 4 Things I Can Do To Make This Next Week's Weigh-In Phenominal

Week 2 weigh in:

I'm getting mixed signals this week.  Admittedly, this was NOT my best week, though it often takes me a week or two to acclimate myself.  I'm not good at cold turkey.

But this weigh in, even for me, is pretty bad.

Instead of losing weight, I ultimately gained it.    My fat content went up .5%,but my water went down .8%

I lost inches in my bust, upper abs, and hips. But I stayed the same for every other body part.

I think what frustrates me the most is that most of the time, my first week is rewarded with a 5 lb weight loss.  But this time around I gained .8 lbs.

This can be attributed to many things.  It could be that I'm actually gaining muscle, or possibly water weight (though my water weight and muscle percentages tell me otherwise).  Or, it could mean something as simple as the fact that I need to take a good ol' fashioned dump.  .8 lbs could mean a myriad of things.  And I don't have the time to obsess over bad results.

All I can do is concentrate on what I am going to do to ensure I have a FANTASTIC week this next time around.

So this is what I plan to do:

1) Do NOT skip a single work out day.  I skipped a couple this week due to illness or pain.  But, you know what?  There are enough work-out programs out there that even if I'm sick or in pain, there is SOMETHING I can do to burn some calories and ramp up my metabolism.  It's time to be more flexible and rely less on walking and more on moving.

2) NO PIZZA. (Note: I didn't say eat less.  I said eat different) Pizza is the bane of my existence.  It's the go-to food for my family.  When I'm not up for cooking, that's usually what the hubby or kids request.  But every stinking time I eat pizza, my pounds are up the next day.  Goal for this week:  NO PIZZA - at ALL. Period. End of discussion. In order for me to meet my health & fitness goals, I must learn to control my cravings.

3) Drink More Water.  I was trying to drink 8 glasses per day.  Nope.  We're going for 12.  Maybe I need to flush my system out to start the ball rolling.  Heaven knows, extra water certainly won't hurt!

4) Add a little more exercise to the program.  Yes, walking is good.  But apparently it's not good enough, when you're not losing weight.  I do have a secret weapon I'm implementing this week. If all goes well, I'll explain exactly what I did so you can do the same if you want.

My sisters often tease me about it, and my husband notices within a day or two that I've started it.  But well...you'll understand when I tell you about it.  IN A WEEK!  So check back often!!!  You'll be amazed at the changes in me in just a WEEK.  Seriously.

Does Reading To Your Children Count As Exercise?

I recently downloaded a book off Amazon called: GREEN Bird: The Adventures Children Book illustrations.  I thought it would be a fun book for my kiddos, seeing as they are 4 1/2 and 6 years old.  

I've been looking for something that I can give them to read when I need them to sit quietly - i.e. in waiting rooms, in the car, or wherever. But I didn't want to be lugging a bunch of books around in a diaper bag either. Thus, the e-book method. 

My first mistake was to read the book after dinner - which means they had full tummies and a renewed sense of energy.  I sat my 4-year-old on my lap and flipped on my IPhone.  His face immediately lit up when he saw the bright green bird on the cover then he began to clap, which drew the attention of my 6 year-old.  

I began reading the book out loud to my children.  One was on my lap, and the other was standing next to me, leaning over the screen, making it hard for me to see.  This caused me to have to dodge my head around my 6-year-old daughter to read the screen while my 4-year-old son pointed to the pictures. 

The pictures were cute and completely engaging.  But every few pages, it was a white page with words, which caused my 4-year-old to zone off momentarily until another picture appeared.  This lull in his attention caused him to look elsewhere (i.e. at his big sister) for entertainment.  

Eventually, the book reading session turned into something akin to: 

ME: "'Excuse me, are you a bird?' The little green bird asked the little green thing."

JACOB Grunts and tries to tap the phone phone to turn the page.

COURTNEY: "JACOB! It's my turn!"  She slaps his hand.

ME: "Courtney, don't hit your brother." I bat her hand away and touch the screen myself.

JACOB Dives for the phone and I wrestle him away as Courtney manhandles it out of my grasp while my attention is focused on Jacob. 

COURTNEY: "Ooh, Mama! What do you think this is?  An Apple? A Pear?" She waves the phone in front of my face, but yanks it away when I try to grab it for a closer view. 

JACOB tries to make a move for the phone, but I grab him around the waist and pull him back on my lap. 

ME: "Courtney, give me the phone back so I can read it to everyone."

COURTNEY returns the phone and leans in, tapping the phone to turn the page to words.  

JACOB grunts and taps the phone too, causing it to turn back to the mystery picture. 

I tap it again, batting both hands away and reading the words. 

BOTH KIDS grin when it's revealed to be a mango!

JACOB lunges again to turn the page.

COURTNEY screams and lunges too. 

I wrestle the phone away, dodging little hands, and reading the dialogue while moving the phone every .3 seconds to avoid sticky fingers. 

More screaming (some from me).  

We turn the page. 

COURTNEY guesses, giggles, and squeals.

JACOB lunges, successfully turning the page again, and pointing to the newest animal discovery.
And then repeat....

Seriously, can I count that as my workout?  My arms are kind of tired.  It's gotta count for a few minutes anyway.

Needless to say, the book was a hit.  You might want to check it out.  If you dare...but I wouldn't recommend it for quite time.    :)

Let the Epic Games Begin! First official Day of my Weight Loss

30 minutes on the treadmill feels like an hour on the trails!!

As of this morning (Sunday the 17th), I'm weighing in at 296.2, which is already a loss of 7.2 lbs.  But the weight lost up until this point has been due to sporatic attempts to be or eat healthier.  Today is what I would call my official "Day 1" because I'm journaling my food and working out. 

I like starting on Sundays because I don't eat out on Sundays, which forces me to eat healthy(er) and allows me a little more time to focus on myself before jumping head first into my week.

So just a couple quick heads-ups for those who either don't know me, or have never had this much weight to lose: 

1)  I have little or no filter.  I think filtering this experience gives a person a false sense of simplicity when it comes to losing weight of this proportion and to leave out the undesirable components of my weight for the sake of the 'eww' or 'TMI' responses keeps those who are struggling with the same issues as I am from feeling isolated because they won't identify completely with my experience.  So, for those who are faint of heart, be warned.  And if you find a particular post disturbing I'll tell you a secret:  You can delete it!  I'll never know and nobody will tell.  Just come back the next day to when things are normal :)

This is what I concentrate on while I'm on the treadmill.  Hundreds of motivational quotes!

2) I can get a little hard core at times.  I have an all-or-nothing personality. This means that in order for me to successfully lose 160 lbs I will need to be 100% all of the time.  I cannot fudge.  Not working out even ONCE will cause me to fail.  This is a personality flaw.  I understand this.  And it has taken me years to come to grips with it.  If you are NOT all-or-nothing, that's OK.  But this is who I am.  Thus, there will be lots of posts on some days because I tend to obsess on occasion to stay focused on the end goal. 

3) I will NOT be following any specific diet.  They are too restrictive.  However, I can say that of the weight loss programs I have used (and I've used nearly all of them), I will probably adhere closest to the 6-week-body makeover, which is what I was using 6 years ago when I lost 80 pounds.  I would have succeeded in that program if I hadn't gotten pregnant half way through and forced to stop.  

I am not following any specific diet, but am instead choosing to take bits and pieces that have worked for me and incorporating them all into a method that I will be able to maintain indefinitely.  The problem with diets is that they are temporary.  I am looking for a way of living that will be permanent.  Nothing less.  I have NO intention of regaining this weight back. Ever. 

4) I will be eating a LOT.  Why? Because it requires a lot of food to maintain a body this size.  So, a normal person might be on a 12-1500 calorie diet to lose 2 lbs a week.  Me?  I'm on an 1800+ calorie diet and I'll be losing nearly a pound a DAY.  Never fear, though.  The smaller I get, the less I'll be eating - in spite of the increased exercise.

Starting my Journey of a 160 pound weight loss TODAY...OK I started a week ago.

Did you miss me? I missed you.  I missed the time I spent working out, feeling great, and losing weight.  

What happened to me, you ask?  Well it's simple really.  My daughter got sick.  No, not cough cough sick.  More like, You've got a giant hole in your heart and you're going to stroke-out and die so you'd better get that fixed kind of sick.  Yeah.  So losing weight got derailed for about 4 or 5 months until she had her surgery.

  During that time I had several epiphanies (I'll leave those stories for later).  But most importantly, I realized that the crap is ALWAYS going to be hitting the fan for me.  And I'm ALWAYS going to be busy.  So, it's time to suck it up and get to work.  Nothing will change unless I make it change and make my health a priority. 

In the mean time, I'll give you an update and my new starting point.  This picture is my most recent of me - at 300 lbs.  Yep.  I finally broke that blasted barrier (and cried).  I see so much of my mother in me now (again, a story for another time) and I don't want to be my mother.  At least not in the weight department. 

 Now, I have close to 160 lbs to lose.  Believe you me.  I know how next to impossible that sounds.  But I also know what I'm made of.  And I know what this journey is going to require in order to be successful.  And I'm up for the challenge.  And the humiliation (I'll be posting VIDEOS this time!) 

Needless to say, stay in touch.  My baby is better, and I'm back on track. I've already lost 6 lbs (I started a week ago - seriously).  So now, it's time to document the crap out of my journey.  I hope someone gets something out of my weight loss journey.  Even if it IS just me.


Yep. This is gonna be EPIC!